News: FCC Just Said "You Win! We Won’t Throttle Your Service!" (Satire)

If it wasn’t for the FCC backing off today at the FCC Regulators Hearing you would have seen the image above for many of your favorite websites. Content creators would’ve fell off the map and only the strong would’ve survived. But thankfully we the consumer and the creator didn’t get a giant sledgehammer swung right at our private parts. For those of you unaware that’s right where it hurts to get hit the most and leaves that lingering painful feeling for hours on end. At least that’s how it works for men. I’m not a woman. So I’m sorry that I don’t have the answer to how that would feel…
Just a moment famous pop star Lady Gaga is walking by let me ask her. (….) Okay, I’m afraid I couldn’t find you a proper answer because I should have used my words more correctly like a big boy. I asked her how it feels to be kicked in the bazooka? Lady Gaga replied in a very deep voice behind her mustache saying “not good” so maybe next time.
For a while now people were in fear! They were in horror! They trembled at night while sleeping on their cold pillows in anxiousness saying these stupid greedy money grubbing companies are working together behind the scenes to bring ruin to us all! I myself have heard my wife mumble and scream in her sleep about how the FCC is bought out and how it’s going to destroy the Internet and screw it up for everyone. Those suspicions are still the truth my friends! But with all the insane amounts of negative attention the FCC has been getting in the press. It appears the FCC dealt an innocent hand and has played us all to save face. The FCC has chosen not to totally ruin the internet today. They stopped themselves from pushing the big red button to fire the nuclear missiles to bomb the intranet so you may never access the good part of the net without paying the big cash. Originally they even promised to take away all the cat meme’s and remove any and all access to Facebook! Here’s an official word from some woman with a gavel that speaks on the behalf of the FCC (Federal Communications Commission).

“Four million Americans wrote this agency to make known their ideas, thoughts, and deeply held opinions about Internet openness. They lit up our phone lines, clogged our e-mail in-boxes, and jammed our comment system. That might be messy, but whatever our disagreements on net neutrality are, I hope we can agree that’s democracy in action and something we can all support.” – Jessica Rosenworcel

Your words made them tremble in fear. Your words made them shake off the corporate shackles! So that you may be free from the oppression once more. But don’t worry next week they’ll be back just as tough as Arnold Schwarzenegger to protect Comcast’s failing cable TV service that has nothing on it. However for you gamers they had this to say about your abuse of their internet.

“Great online video game experiences depend upon low latency, high bandwidth connections. We hope that the rule announced today by the FCC will promote continued development of fast online connections while protecting gamers from anti-competitive and discriminatory practices.” – The Entertainment Software Association

But really what they should have said was “Gamers! You won this time. Next time it’s your wallets!” Much like Nintendo has done in the past saying no DLC for children! Then went to super tacked on DLC digging deep into the parents wallets for fruitless Mario Kart racers that are full of jaggies and bright colors. What a world…. what a world. To find real information about the happenings of the FCC please click this here. – Craig Of GTN

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